What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 12:57
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
What is it that gives a man who is a submissive cock sucker his most pleasure?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Would this be the day?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Do all you people that took the "jab" feel lied to yet?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was seconnd youngest,
Does any other guys get turned on by dick pic makes you lick lips because you what to suck?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
All the time i was locked up.
Why do I want to be caught sucking dick by my wife?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What should I do if a girl whom I love asks me to be her friend?
It was going to be , some day.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So whats the point in blame.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was in good health!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I don,t even have a pension.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was 9 years of age.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I said to her
She wouldn,t have been !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So, i spoilt her more .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I waited trembling.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was scared of men, in general
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She found it foreign!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was very sick at this time too.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Who then, do I blame.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is soul school!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ive learnt so much.
He knew the spot.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
When she asked me how she looked .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I will be 64.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were not on the streets..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I have no regrets .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But it wasn’t much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I think the readers, may guess!
My life is so biszare .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot live in the past .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i lived it daily.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im still living with it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She loved him until the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
My family never makes their pension either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She married twice! .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Put me off passion for life!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I write beautiful poetry .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What did i know ?